People often ask us why we have such good kids. At first we didn't know what to say. So we have given it a lot of thought. We have been happily married for 21 years, have 3 sons and are middle class. We hope our experiences will help other families.
We have worked hard to live in nice neighborhoods within good school districts. We put our children and their futures first, before material things.
Setting expectations at different ages has worked very well for us. Even as babies, they could tell what was acceptable and what wasn't, simply by the looks on our faces and the tone of our voices. From the beginning, they know who the bosses are. They like happy smiling parents, so they learn to do what will get them that result. We never give in to tantrums or bad behavior. Sounds simple, right? Not so simple.
As toddlers, we teach them not to ever embarrass us. At the mall, at friends houses, at restaurants, etc... When they did occasionally try it, I would take them to the nearest restroom, kneel down so that we would be face to face and let them see I was upset. I would ask them, "Did you mean to embarrass us out there?" By then they've given it some thought. So we would discuss what happened and why. Getting them away from the scene of the crime would help them calm down. Later as they grew older, all we would have to say was, "Do you want to go the restroom?" Now you're probably thinking ,well what if they do have to go to the restroom? Simple. If we were checking to see if they needed to GO, we would phrase if differently, and the kids knew the difference. If we asked "Do you need to go to the bathroom?" That was different.
I am not saying we are perfect parents, or that we have perfect kids. But a dose of common sense goes a long way. And instead of just saying yes or no, we explain why. Never 'just because we say so.'
We also had a code word. We taught them all about Stranger Danger. If someone ever tried to get them to go off with them, they were taught to say, what's the code word?
We tend to be over protective parents. We need to know where they are at all times, and who they are with. If we find out a friends of theirs has been expressing bad behavior, such as smoking at age 12, they are not allowed to be around that friend until we see that his or her behavior is improving. Even if it is my best friends child. As a matter of fact, that is a true story. I took the chance of losing my best friend by putting the welfare of my child first. The good news is that we are still best friends. The boys are now 18, but rarely see each other. Our son just graduated high school. Their son dropped out of school and has spent some time in jail.
When the boys were about 4 years old, they came over for a visit. It was raining hard outside. My friends son had forgotten his toy in the car and wanted his Mom to go out in the storm, with lightning and thunder, to get the toy. She said no about ten times. Then finally gave in to him to stop his screaming and crying. What? At that moment, I knew she would always have trouble with that child. And, God Bless her, she has.
We also have our children sign pre-teenage contracts. We let them know not to expect much privacy while living in our family home. It is our job as parents to guard our children in every way. Even against themselves, until they are old enough to do so. In a way it helps them resist temptation because they tell their friends the rules and their friends don't want them to get in trouble either. When a teenager comes home at night, I always give them a hug. Firstly because I love them and secondly for a smell test. They better not have on extra cologne, or mouthwash. No cover-ups. This way if someone offers them a cigarette, liquor or worse, they can say, no way, my parents always hug me when I get home and they can smell if I've been around anything like that. My parents aren't stupid. They like having that 'out'.
Also, they cannot have computers in their bedrooms. We have a main computer room and we can look over their shoulder at any time. They think it's funny when I try to sneak up on them. That is something important to bring up. We do all of this with a sense of humor. We laugh a lot in our home.
Another thing we think is extremely important is setting a good example. They know that grown-ups can do and say different things than a child can. But we never use bad words in front of them, or talk about adult matters. I've had friends talk about all sorts of things that I didn't feel children should hear. As if the kids are in the room and not listening. Believe me, they listen.
When we want to party or drink, we either go out or the kids spend the night with a friend or relative. That is not to say they have never seen us have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer after mowing the lawn.
Being careful as to what is on the television is just as important. R-rated movies are not for the family room.
We all have such busy hectic lives that it's important to remember to try to spend a 'kid' day with each individual child. Plan it with them. Ask them what they would like to do for a day. Do they want to spend a day with just Mom, or just Dad, or do they want both parents all to themselves? You won't believe how happy and special that makes them feel.
When we pick them up from school and ask how their day was, "It was okay" is not what we're looking for. We take it farther. Well, what was the best thing about today? What was the worse? They give us one of those sideways grins and are happy to know that we are really paying attention to them.
Our children know that we love them unconditionally and always will - no matter what. They can come to us and tell us anything.
And they can ask us anything. We've always told them if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to get an honest answer. That has turned into a joke in our family. They have gotten some answers that really surprised them. So now they think twice before they ask. Once our 15 year old asked me what the mile high club was.
We're out of time, but for more parenting tips, tune in next time. We'll discuss explaining what a period is and why girls have them, (they see commercials on T.V.)and more.
And please remember, we know we're not perfect parents. However we do our best and give it a lot of thought. It started because so many people ask us why, or how we have such good children.
K.T. Banks
